Mind vs Heart

There she goes, having her wishful thinking again. How much she would like things to go her way but it doesn't always seem that way. Things she can't change and control. Oh, what can she do? Should she wait? Honestly, she has been waiting, waiting for that moment, waiting for that time, waiting for.....she doesn't know what or who is she waiting for any more.

She is a person who doesn't like to ask, she has been tryin' her best to change. But this is who she is. She always believe, "if someone wanna tell me something, he/she will tell me without me asking.". Oh lord, you will be surprised by the questions in her mind that left unsaid and unanswered.

She is independent but sometimes, she would like to depend on someone. She can make her own decision without having the thought of others, but when there is someone who she wants to make decision with, she will go with the flow. Meaning, she will wait for that someone's decision before making her decision, sometimes, she would even make amendment to her own decision to suit that someone's decision. Small sacrifices, but she is willing to do so.

Appreciation. When will she get appreciated, she always wonder. Of course, she does things without having the thought of getting anything in return. But how 'bout a tad bit of gratefulness towards her?

Back to where this post started, should she continue waiting, or drop everything and walk away? Will she have that courage and determination to do so? How about "follow your heart"?

I guess

Once again, I have a lot on mind tonight.

Where are my friends when I needed them? Why do I feel like something is stopping me from contacting them because I'm afraid they will make use of me and ultimately I will be the one getting hurt?

Am I ready for the working industry? The reason why I haven't been submitting resume is because I am afraid, but who knows? That tugging feeling, and that crazy speed my heart pumps whenever someone asks me "what are you doing now?" and "have you found a job?" is slowly killing me. I know I need to start looking for a job, even if my parents never say anything about me idling at home or working for ad-hoc events here and there. I know I know I know. But.......sigh.

Abrupt ending again, b'cos I really don't know how to continue writing any more.



..I'm not ready yet.